Breakeven

I feel sad…



It has been a couple of months now, still, I wonder why I feel the occasional sorrow whenever I see subtle hints that bring about a flashback of  memories. It is sad, not to mention, frustrating. A moment ago I was ok but here comes a whiff of resemblance with the past and suddenly everything becomes a struggle. It’s hard to put on a smile when I really want to cry my heart out with every ache it felt the first time I learned he was gone. I already built a sturdy façade only to find out how it turned into a pile of rubble just because I saw or heard something about him.

It is overwhelmingly tiring that I have to experience this over and over again – a cycle that only God knows when it would all end. I badly want to forget, to heal. I am growing weary and anxious as to when it would stop because it’s consuming the life out of me. I blab about it and it seems that my friends are also getting tired of hearing it. Who would listen to a damsel rant and rave about her broken heart anyway?

There are so many good and happy things to write about and God even graced me with overflowing blessings that I can’t even count. I think this experience had been draining for me but I consider it a gift from God because had I not experience this; I would never have realize a number of things.

I realized that friends are the best investments we have in this world. When I was in dismay, slightly deaf (because when I was hurt, I became a selective listener – I only listen to the things I wanted to hear), my friends never gave up on annoying me. Relentless in their efforts, they annoyed me all throughout the day about how I should not have acted in a mean way when my special friend, without warning, decided to start a love story of his own (without me in it). They told me that the least I could do was to control my emotions because chances are, my emotions will control me. They became my eyes and ears when I refused to listen and see the reality in front of me.

Annoying, but I still love them! (From L: Sheina, Trishia, Me)

With the gloomy feeling I had, I also began to appreciate The Script. Their music was famous for their melancholic theme of heartbreaks. Before I used to hate cheesy quotes on love and heartbreaks, now I find myself making them. Gross, I know. I even posted some of them in my Facebook account.

I also had the urge to drink liters of liquor, hoping to savor the momentum of cussing and blaming a guy for causing me the heartache, but I was able to suppress my insatiable lust for alcohol because I know it won’t do me any good. Drowning myself with Redhorse isn’t a solution, it is just a medium of escape from reality.  An anti-depressant, I say. It will never heal a broken heart, though it will make me forget it for a while, it will still never be good enough for me. Plus, I don't want to be alcoholic because of a problem over a guy, that would be unbecoming of a Paulinian.

Another thing about my heartbreak is that I couldn’t stop myself from sulking. The most trivial things or places would always leave me moping and thinking about him. A restaurant, boutique, and even people wearing shirts that says they study in Lasalle (he is a Lasallian by the way). Jokingly, I even create a makeshift gun using my hands pretending to shoot the people wearing green and Lasalle shirts in the malls and other places I go. I even throw an imaginary grenade at DLSU whenever I pass by on the way home.

It is disturbing and a bit funny because I tend to do crazy things out of sheer bitterness. I also find myself sighing over a random love song on the radio (forgive me for this!).

Honestly, I don’t know what to do. It’s easy to give an advice to someone but to walk the talk is another story. All I know is that, it will all get better in time as how Leona Lewis puts it.